Sometimes as a mom to these four big kids of mine...well they're all pretty much adults but they're still my kids and I'll always be their mom...I can wonder have I done a good enough job. Yeah this mom feels like a failure at times and the reality is I have failed at times...many times. But what I realize is that every failure doesn't end at that point of failure. Life goes on and we learn from our failures. These failures of mine become opportunities to teach these four kids of mine. And what better place for them and me to learn how to do the dance of life than with one another in this unit called family.
And so it was Sunday afternoon and for some reason Will starts to get antsy and it's like he's got to go back to TO and go now, he's feeling anxious for some reason. As soon as dinner is finished he's out the door with his sisters...they're his chauffeurs. I think wow he's headed out without even saying goodbye. My husband and I head out the door to wave goodbye. Will is by the car throwing his stuff in and he turns with this grin on his face, you know the awkward kind of grin but still a genuine grin. He comes towards me and gives me this hug...yeah it's something we rarely do, not for lack of trying on my part though. I was surprised and blessed.
Off they went and the husband and I walked back into a quiet, empty house. We talked about this big son of ours, why is it so hard for him when he's home...he wants to be here but it's like he's not quite sure how to do the dance. And like he said in his blog he's got this huge personal space bubble the size of the sun. If you get too close you may get zapped. As parents it can hurt and for the husband it seems to hurt more. That's when I tell him, "It's okay, he'll figure it out and we just need to be...be here...be his parents...love him where he's at." Don't get me wrong he's not some wayward child...we've dealt with much of that and it was tough, real tough, heartbreaking tough but our family made it through that dark tunnel together, intact but for the grace of God. And I would say that our family is close, we can talk and we can do life together. But Will is right, the area of affection...hugging is a little foreign to us and it's not that hugging never happened here but for most of our kids they have pretty big personal space bubbles...well except for the youngest and he likes to go around trying to pop our bubbles :-)
But for each one of us there are areas where we struggle, where we know we need to grow, where we know in our heart things should be different and we want them to be different. So Will stepped out into an area where he wants things to be different, where he wants to grow...he stepped forward and gave me a hug. Seems like a silly little thing but it's not. When it's something you're not used to and it makes you uncomfortable it's a big deal and it does take swallowing your pride and your fear. Change can never happen if we never step forward. Ground in our hearts can never be taken up if we refuse to enter into battle, that ground that is fenced in by fear, shame and pride. But when we do step into it fear, shame and pride lose some of their power and ground is taken up. It's not easy but it's necessary if change and growth are to ever happen.
So thanks for the hug Will, I know it was a big deal to you. And you know Mother's Day two years ago during that Church service when you came and gave me that hug, it was so unexpected and it touched this mom's heart so deeply. And even though this Mother's Day you would probably say you failed because you didn't hug this mom of yours, it doesn't matter because you didn't stop at the failure part but used it for an opportunity to move forward. It meant a lot that you called and apologized, you saw this heart of mine and healing happens in the seeing and the doing...
One Thousand Gifts journaled days 147 ~ 153
439. Good chat with my dad
440. Less bugs while working outside :)
441. Taking pictures at the Friendship BBQ - seeing their joy
442. Fun with the goats and baby goats with Silas and Charissa
443. Thoughtful husband - some money towards a camera I'm saving up for
444. Gentle rains
445. The husband's birthday
446. Beautiful drive - God's creation
447. Family time
448. Bible study with some lady friends
449. My girls chatting
450. How the dew glistens on the dandelion seed heads in the morning sun
451. A boy clean room
452. Walking the beautiful boardwalk at Presqu'ile
453. Eldest son home - everyone hangin in my room
454. A new day
455. Cooler weather and less humidity
456. The smell of rain through my bedroom window
457. Gusty cool breezes
458. God who loves the nations
459. A hug from the eldest
Some pics from this past week...