Choices and the bike rally in Laconia...

This past weekend my husband, son, and I went to a bike rally in Laconia New Hampshire.  My husband was supposed to go with a group of eight guys but the weather wasn't looking so great so they cancelled the ride but since the hotels were booked we went for a road trip instead to check out the area.

New Hampshire is a beautiful state, the roads through the mountains are gorgeous.  I loved driving through all the small towns...the colours...the front porches...the old churches...beautiful.  The wild lupins were in full bloom along the roadsides, it was lovely.

We arrived at our hotel in Laconia Saturday afternoon and in talking with our hotel manager he said that some 250, 000 bikers could possibly come for the rally.  That's a lot of bikers, we passed so many as we were nearing Laconia, it was crazy.  All you heard was the rumble of the Harley engine.

I had been warned by a friend what I would possibly see at this bike rally and she was right, it's not the most godly of places.  The street was lined with hundreds of bikes, the husband and son loved looking at them all...the majority were Harley's but there were some sport bikes sprinkled through.  But my eyes scanned the people, the scantily clad women and one in-particular.  I was shocked at what she was wearing and it threw me and right away I pull inside myself, thinking my husband has seen this woman and so let me share what happens inside this heart and mind of mine...

I knew I would see scantily clad women, women I wouldn't want my husband or son to see.  I knew it would be a temptation to their eyes and I also knew what would happen with me...the insecurity...the comparisons...the feeling less than...the feeling of some other woman trying to vie for my husband's attention...my fear of him wanting to look...etc.

I don't like these feelings, I hate them and yet they're there and I have choices to make when they rise up.  My husband and I have been down this road many times, he knows what happens to me, he knows my insecurities.  He knows I'll often choose flight rather than drawing closer to him.  And so since I know all of this about myself you'd think I could work it through but the devil has a foothold here, he knows my weaknesses and insecurities too.  And so as soon as these eyes of mine saw that woman across the street, this heart of mine closed down and pulled away from the very one I should draw near to.  It's so the enemies plan, divide and conquer, isolate, let her stew in her own brokenness and insecurities, an island unto herself...unreachable by her husband.

I had failed again in this area, I had made the wrong choice.  Instead of living in the security and truth of who I am and who we are as a husband and wife I chose to disengage...disappear...draw away and bar this heart of mine.  And in that my husband loses out, I lose out and those around us lose out.  As it says in Ecclesiastes 4: 12, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."  This one...me...allowed herself to be overpowered.

I chose to stand alone and I fell.

And in the falling it's not just me that falls but our marriage as well...the light of it weakens.  The witness we could be to others is gone because of one small choice.

Why do I make the wrong choices...why do I go down this road...why can't I conquer it...why?

In Christ Jesus we are more than conquerors...so where is this conquering then.  As I'm writing what comes to mind is Ephesians 6:10-18 where Paul is talking about putting on the Armour of God and I realize I walked about that rally without my armour, I did not prepare myself.  The opening verses of this passage say, "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."  It's right there.  The enemy is constantly scheming, he knows my weaknesses and he knows where to aim his arrows and I went unprotected and his arrow hit and hit hard and I chose to believe the lies.

I think at times it's like I welcome the lies, it's like they are easier to believe than the truth.

Why would a daughter of the King choose to live as a slave to the enemy...

Why would I rather be a victim than a victor...

In Christ I have everything...the God of the universe is for me...knows me...wants to protect me...wants me to stand on His truth and yet I stumble.

And I am so tired of stumbling in this area.

My husband is not unaware of what happens to this wife of his...he feels it...he knows it and it hurts him.

It hurst us.

It hurts the Body of Christ.

He notices me pushing him away, he feels the distance.  Though he has done nothing wrong he senses I treat him as though he were my enemy instead of me seeing the real enemy for who he is.  So instead of walking hand in hand we walk apart...I walk alone stuck within myself all because of these thoughts and insecurities that run rampent through my mind.  I am reminded of 2 Corinthians 10: 5b, "...and we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."  Instead of taking every thought captive I run with them and dwell on them and become obedient to the enemy and what he would want.

Later we talked about it but at this point three hours had gone by...three hours where I have kept myself at a distance.  I explained how as soon as we hit that street my eyes and my heart were assaulted by the sight of this woman...a woman without shame...a woman confident...a women daring men to look and see, yet a woman so needing of the pure love of Father God.

His response went something like this...I'm not your enemy you know...why do you let this stuff take hold of you, why do you draw away instead of drawing close.  I love you, I have eyes only for you, you are mine, I chose you, I want you and I want to be one with you and I want our marriage to be a light to others...especially in a place like this.  You have everything, you don't need to fight for my attention, that place is yours and yours alone and you are all I want.  Trust me...let me love you...give yourself to me.  Draw close to me because that's how we'll fight this.  Especially when you feel like pulling away from me you need to move towards me, it's how this battle will be won.

In thinking about his words to me I am reminded of how much God loves me and through His Word He says some of those very things to me and to you...

I love you...

You are mine...

I have given myself up for you...

I have chosen you...

Trust me...

Everything I have is yours...

And so every failure doesn't need to end there, once again I learn from my mistakes and it's my hope that the next time the enemy comes at me in my weak area I will remember these words and I'll suit up and stand firm on God's truth for it is there that I am set free.

Truly free...