And once again my relationship with my husband is back to normal...but then again what is normal.
It would be better to say the distance between us has shortened and we are in reach of one another again...connected.
What did it take to get back...work...opening of our hearts and exposing ourselves to each other no matter what.
This place of distance that I find myself in can be so frustrating, such an alone place, like I'm unreachable by the one human being I want most to connect with and share me...all of me with. And he doesn't know what to do with that or how to get at me and he gets frustrated and distances himself too. It's a strange thing when you want to be close but there's this chasm between you and you'd think well if you want to be close then just be close but it's not so simple.
Not so simple when we're both imperfect human beings with our own ways of reacting and protecting ourselves. And so I want him to be close, to enter this place that I find myself in but it's not such a cheery happy place to enter, I'm not always so loving and kind and so why would he want to enter into that...all he wants is to run and I can understand. Yet I don't want him to run and so I said to him, "it's like I'm in some pit of quick sand, sinking in my own junk and I want you to love me but I know you can't change me but you can come close to me in this place, yeah it may not be pretty, you may get a little splattered when trying to reach for me in that pit but even here when it seems I don't need you I need you most and I don't want you to run for fear of getting dirty or not knowing how to help me or fix me...just stay even if I lash out.
So finally we inched towards one another. As much as he can be frustrated when I'm lost in this place he's always willing to make his way to me and I appreciate that so much about him. He'll often say I'm no romantic and I don't always see things or say things right but my heart is for you and I do love you. And I know he does and that he would do anything for me. He's willing to swallow his pride, to really look at himself and see where he needs to change, he's much better at that than I am. He's the one who says to me, "Tina, come here, sit down beside me." It's not easy for me to make those steps towards him, that may seem strange, like what's the big deal but it just is, it takes effort...it's always that choice...
He made the choice to call me to himself and I made the choice to go to him and it was good, we talked and we listened and once again our hearts were close to one another and that chasm was no more. Yet I know chances are I will find myself in that quick sand again and once again we'll have to go through this process of coming together and it won't be easy but we'll do it.
When I look at our relationship and the many times we have found ourselves in this place I can wonder will it ever change, will it ever just not happen anymore. I don't really have an answer for that other than we need to live each day as they come and I can't worry about what may happen next week. I do know that we have changed in our ability to work things through and that God is working through this to make us more and more like Christ and that when we reflect Him we bring the Father glory.
The next morning after we had worked things through I was reading in the Gospel of John the story of The Death of Lazarus. Jesus was in Jerusalem and the sisters sent word to Jesus saying, "Lord the one you love is sick." When Jesus heard this, he said, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it." Jesus loved Lazarus and his two sisters very much, yet he didn't drop everything and run to their side. He stayed in Jerusalem for a couple more days and when he finally made his way to Bethany which was less than 2 miles from Jerusalem, it was too late, Lazarus was dead and buried. In the end Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead...it's a powerful story...showing Jesus' love and compassion for those he loves. Here is what struck me about this story...
Jesus could have dropped everything and rushed to see Lazarus to heal him but he didn't and this is the part of the passage that struck me in verse 4, "This sickness will not end in death. No it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it." I can then see how my struggles in life can be used to bring glory to God and how Christ can be glorified through them.
All this life that I live, even when I stumble and fall can be used for good to show a broken and sin filled world that there is hope, that there is a God who loves deeply and fully...a God who sent a Redeemer, a Saviour who can close the chasm. And even though He doesn't make all the struggles go away, He uses them in my life to teach me, grow me, break me and mold me more and more into a reflection of Christ. Christ in me, living through me the more I surrender my will to His.
And so when my husband and I make the choice to move towards one another, to swallow our pride and do the right thing Christ is glorified.
Gifts journaled for days 31 ~ 35
91. Trees dancing in the gusty winds
92. The smile in the eyes of a three year old
94. For loving and setting me free
95. Working together
96. Cozy in bed watching a good movie
97. Waking up to a blanket of pure white snow
98. Chocolate for the hubby.
99. Something lost was found
100. Sunday afternoon naps
101. A husband who speaks truth to my heart
102. Snuggling with little 5 month Lola
103. Up early with my husband catching the sunrise on the Bay
104. Coffee with a friend
105. A God who loves