The rains finally came Wednesday night into Thursday…it was such a blessing to see, to feel that rain pitter patter against my body and to walk barefoot in the puddles. We had been waiting so long…the crops were so starving for nourishment…most of the grass brown and brittle…the earth hard and cracked. A number of times over the past weeks rain would be in the forecast but it never came. I prayed that the Lord would sustain the crops until the rains came. It was a glimpse of drought. I've thought of some of the Bible stories I know where there was drought and famine in the land…seven years of famine or drought…I couldn't imagine.
I realize how blessed and yet dependent I am on God…the creator and sustainer of all.
My husband and I went out to a corn field, I wanted to take some pictures of me and the rain soaked corn and the wet earth. Me giving praise to our God for His provision and yet it didn't work out. I was kinda cranky and couldn't just "be" with my husband…why does freedom of giving my heart and vulnerably to him have to be so hard?
It's not how I want to live my life with him. What am I scared of?
Why are the precious and vulnerable things so hard to give, so hard to let him see…why does it have to be my constant struggle?
Why is it so hard to let him see me cry?
Why can't I just rest in his arms, in his protection when I'm feeling weak and weary?
Why do I insist on doing life on my own?
Life is precious…its here today and gone tomorrow...time goes by so quickly. I am blessed tremendously. I have already been given so many days upon this earth…so many days with those I love.
Yet despite the blessings…I still struggle. I struggle within myself to find contentment…rest eludes me. Yet I know that God has created me for a purpose, something just for me, something only I can fill and I know on those days of "sunshine" I have been in the midst of those purposes. Yet still how many times do I look at what others do, the place that others have and feel I don't measure up and that I have nothing to offer. I know it's stupid to think and feel such things but it's true it's there, at times gone but just around the corner of my heart…lingering ready to come out in my moments of weakness and doubt. My hearts desire is to live life fully for my King, my God, my Father, my Saviour…the one who loves me with a love I can never fully understand.
Yet I get caught up in insecurities, in doubt, in negative thoughts, in fear of failure and ultimately fear of giving my heart fully. What if I could be content in who I am…in who God has created me to be. I'm not looking for that worldly happy contentment. I think it's more a security of who I am in Christ of living fully in that place. Not always looking over my shoulder, thinking someone else can do it better, be more talented, more beautiful, more everything. I despise that insecurity that is within me but I know I am my own worst enemy. Where does this comparing myself with others come from? If God truly has a place and a plan for each of His children then there is no need for me or anyone of us to be insecure. Why do I let my fears have their way, why do I let satan pick away at me using my own weaknesses to tear me down and rend me powerless.
I have been chosen by God…CHOSEN…do I know the depth of that. Before I even came into being He knew me, He had his eye on me…Oh Lord help me understand the depth of that belonging…that knowing...that choosing.
And so I find myself at times as though I am living in a drought, actually more like choosing to live in a drought or not quite knowing ones way out of it. Why would anyone choose to live in a drought when they could be replenished, filled and living life abundantly? I think sometimes the dryness of the drought is easier to handle then the awkwardness, pain and discomfort of learning how to live an abundant life. If drought is all you're used to, it takes work to change and live differently. To be vulnerable when all you've ever done is hidden your vulnerability would be huge. But unless I open up and you open up and let those showers of abundance that God offers flow into the dry and hard recesses of our hearts we will continue to live in a drought of the heart and those around us will miss out and ultimately you and I will miss out on the life that God has for us.
And so I know all this struggle within me is a way out…all part of the journey…part of transformation and the realization and understanding of His amazing GRACE…for better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere...