I was walking along the water yesterday…my husband and I were out for a drive and stopped along to get some fries. As I was walking I thought it would be so cool to find a treasure amid the beach stones. So I looked down scanning all the stones as I walked. I've always wanted to find something special, something old, something that has been hidden and has a past. I remember walking along the river at my Pake and Beppe's when I was younger and I found this old coin, I was so excited to find this treasure, though now it is gone. Somehow through the years it got lost.
Anyway, back to yesterday and having thoughts of finding some small treasure. No sooner had I had that thought then what came to mind was "Tina, the greatest treasure is your heart." And I knew it was true, it is the only lasting thing.
Yesterday was a tough day. The weather was gorgeous, I was out driving with my husband…something I love…but I was distant…my heart was far away. Somehow we had gotten into a bit of a spat, looking back I can't even figure it all out but needless to say it caused me to drift away within myself. And so it made for a pretty quiet drive. I had my camera with and there were numerous things I would have loved to take pictures of but I just couldn't. How could I when I felt so dead and empty. And so I sat and just looked out my window. At times we spoke but it's like I was stuck in some pit and couldn't find my way out.
And then when we stopped by the water and those words came to me about my heart and I knew it was true and I so desperately wanted that treasure, not just for me but for my husband. But I didn't share this with him, I just tucked it away.
We got back in the car and drove away, as we were driving my husband said to me, "do you want to know what I think goes on inside of you?" I said "what?" barely wanting to give even that. He said "I believe there is a soft, gentle quiet place hidden away in there and that the 'tough' part of your heart protects that vulnerable place and as long as it can be proved that I/or others that have a place in your life are not safe, can't be trusted, screw up and hurt you that gentle part of your heart stays buried. I took all this in and didn't really say anything, inside lots was going on and outside the tears were silently flowing. He was right...
I thought back to a time long ago, I was probably 9 or 10, my parents had been gone for a few days and our neighbours had been looking after us. At the time I was taking piano lessons and my neighbour was driving me to my lesson…I didn't really want to go because my parents were coming home and I couldn't wait to see them because I missed them. I asked him "when's my mom coming home?" He turned to me and angrily said to me "what's the matter, don't you love your dad." I was crushed, stunned, it came out of no where, I had just asked a simple question. All I wanted to do was burst into tears…but I didn't…I couldn't…I just wanted to disappear and so I think a part of my heart did.
Now some of us may think that's crazy, just a little incident like that…no big deal. And if you know me I'm not one to make a big deal out of things. Because when that memory came back to me all I thought was 'Tina, you have to be strong, you can handle this.' It's like for me I allow myself no room to cry about such things or to make a big deal about it, there are worse things in this world. But what I realize is that in that place a part of my heart broke and disappeared. It's like if you broke your arm and instead of going to the doctor you just used it anyway and ignored the pain even though it hurt. Eventually the pain would go away, it would heal but possibly not properly and you would forever have that twisted arm.
So it is with that place in my heart. And I think my drive yesterday was about that. At times it was a tortuous drive…I was stuck inside myself and I wanted out so I could enjoy my time with my husband and take pictures of all the beautiful things I saw…but I couldn't.
Shortly after my husband spoke these words we were driving down this one road and the woods were filled with trilliums, it was gorgeous, I had never seen so many trilliums in one place. I asked my husband to stop so I could take some pictures….we had already driven for over three hours and this was the first time I had asked him to stop…something in my heart had shifted. I looked at it as a gift from God. His beauty shining through into the pit I found myself stuck in. So I got out of the car and walked and took some shots and enjoyed the beauty that surrounded me.
Later as we drove away I still didn't say much, but my heart had softened and I knew I would share some of what I was thinking…eventually. But first I wanted to stop by the water again, I needed to take a shot of myself sitting there on that shore as a reminder of what was impressed upon my heart…that it was the greatest treasure that I have and nothing that I could ever find would be of greater worth. We found a place to stop and I took my shots and then we drove away and slowly I began to share what had come to my mind. The incident with my neighbour and how I felt in that and what happened inside. I told him he was right, there is a place deep in my heart that I keep from him, a place that is so well protected for fear of being hurt again, of being shamed for loving and needing.
We had driven for over six hours, for many of those hours I kept thinking to myself I'm wasting his day, I'm a failure as a wife…but God had different plans. His ways are not our ways. I believe we all have areas in our hearts where we need to be set free, I also believe Jesus is the key to that freedom. He is the healer and redeemer, the repairer of broken walls.
The Year of the LORD's Favour
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD'S favour and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his spender."
Isaiah 61: 1- 3