Motherhood...

Sunday night we went to a friend's place to take some family pictures.  The kids had given this to me as a mother's day gift…an hour or so of their time to do as I wish in taking family pictures.  I was looking forward to it, getting some updated family shots since two of our kids will be leaving for University this coming weekend.

The location was beautiful and the lighting great but the family dynamics not so great.  This time that I had so looked forward to ended up with hurt feelings, some hurt and ticked off kids…just not what I had expected.  Cooperation from all can be hard to come by and patience wears thin for some quicker than it does for others.  Before we had even finished I was in tears and one son had walked off feeling like he didn't belong and ended up walking all the way home, over 6 km.  I walked part of the way with him at a distance but he didn't want to have anything to do with me…he was angry and hurt.  I was hurt...these kids that I so love...this family of mine...why...why couldn't we get it together for one hour.  As I walked I thought, I prayed, I found peace again...walking in the quiet, just in sight of a son who was upset...who had his own thoughts, his own struggles and we walked on, each of us in our own thoughts.  I passed by a corn field, the sun was setting, it was beautiful and I thought of all the many seeds in that one field...probably billions.  Billions of seeds and I thought of the human race...billions of people...each a life...each different...each a seed of potential.

What are we doing on this earth with the potential that is within us.  I know that as a mom I want to make a difference in my kids lives...nothing is more important to me than serving God and having them see that and know the depth of my commitment to be a godly mom...serving them by serving Him...the greatest servant of all.

My son continues to walk, not wanting me too close.  My husband comes back after dropping the other kids off, I get in the car.  We pull away, leaving him behind, oh my mother's heart would want him picked up, would want him in that car safe with me...but my husband knows better...the boy needs space...space to think...space to be.  We drive away and talk...talk of what went wrong, why are things the way they are, my husband apologizes that the night went so wrong, he knows how I was looking forward to having some picture fun with this family of ours.  I say "it is what is is," and I am okay, I am at peace because it is what is is and each of us will need to work through our stuff, through our ups and downs, the sin that is within us, the selfishness that is in each of us, the stubbornness, the rebellion...all of it needs to go to that cross...that cross of Calvary and the man Jesus who died upon that cross and took my sin, my kids sin, my husband's sin and your sin upon Himself...He who was without sin died for each one of us...the billions...yet seeing the one.

 And so I find that as our kids get older life is bigger, the feelings are bigger, the problems faced are often bigger…it's that time when they are still in the home but working their way out of it…that transitional time.  They can get into each others space and some do that more than others.  You have kids that are quiet and like it quiet and then you have kids who chat and chat and seem to be so much louder and well, this annoys the kids who like it quiet.  You have your night owls and your early to bedders and if the night owls are a bit loud it ticks off the early to bedder.  You have your morning birds who are chipper and ready to take on the day and then you have your ones who need space and quiet before they can even hold a conversation in the morning.  All these different personalities, different characters living under one roof...a FAMILY learning to do life together.  And I think the key is to learn from the Master...the greatest servant of all.  Who on the night before His death, His sacrifice for each one us...He got up from the meal, took off His outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around His waist.  After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash His disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around Him.  The God of glory humbled Himself to a servants position and He asks us to do likewise for His glory, for His Kingdom purposes...

So despite how things went at the photo shoot I got some okay shots.  I had actually thought of just deleting them all because here we are in some of the pictures smiling and yet in-between shots there was fighting but they are what they are.  Our lives are filled with a mixture of ups and downs, joys and sorrows, good days, tough days.  Oh the days that go well are beautiful and enjoyable but it's the days that don't go so well where there is potential for lots of learning and growing to take place if we're willing to be teachable and be more gracious with our space and accepting of the differences of others.  And then in that hearts get mended if we let go of bitterness and don't hold grudges…so many lessons to be learned in life and most often it takes action on our part and a dying to self and pride and the taking on of the heart of a servant... 

Motherhood…not an easy task if taken seriously and if given with all your heart.  I have failed often but my heart has been to be the light of Christ to my kids, to be an example and reflection of the Christ I serve.  And I know that at times that reflection has been pale or non existent but it is Christ's truths that I most desire to pass on to my kids…to know that they leave this home with a firm foundation and that they are able to stand on the truth of the gospel no matter what comes at them.  And I know that ultimately they are in God's hands…He knows their hearts…He knows them more than I ever will and it's my job to let go and let them live fully...

And so, even though this thing called "motherhood" be difficult at times, I wouldn't change my life for anything.  I love my kids dearly, they are each different, each unique, I have learned from them, I have grown because of them and my cup of joy overflows because God has blessed me with them and for that I am truly thankful.  There is no greater joy than watching them grow up, experiencing life and coming into what God has for them...serving God...trusting Him...

Oh I almost forgot...I couldn't do the whole motherhood thing without this guy...well I could if I had to but God has given him to me and so we do this whole parenting thing together.  This guy has taught me much, especially about letting go as a mom...that dreaded CONTROL...kids can't grow if their mom's hold too much control.  And so I've learned to let go and let God...and you know what...life is freer that way for all involved :-)